Issue: May 2011


An Atlantan Takes On New York

Hollis Gillespie, Atlanta’s celebrated humor columnist, challenges her preconceptions about New York — and discovers there’s nothing to be afraid of after all.

BY Hollis Gillespie —

FRANKLY, I WAS EXPECTING MORE CRIME, but that’s what I get for taking my cues from television, a device seemingly devoted to making Manhattan appear solely populated by snarky homicide detectives, gum-smacking coroners and outrageously dressed sex columnists. Or at least that’s how it seems to me. I am a humor columnist from Atlanta, where we Southerners have our own stereotypes to bear. For example, my good friend recently left Atlanta to teach school in Brooklyn, where he now devotes a lot of time to allaying the fears of his co-worker, who refuses to set foot in Georgia because of the hillbillies in the movie Deliverance.

In the South, we tend to think we have better insight to New Yorkers because of the influx of residents from there to these parts during the ’90s. That resulted in a mild stampede of people forgoing biscuits to demand better bagels, which is probably why our culinary landscape is now peppered with New York-based restaurants that serve entrées with words like “gastrique” in the description. (Occasionally, we might begrudge that these make a nice addition to our dining options.)

So it goes without saying that this intermingling of our cultures in the South has caused preconceptions to abound in both directions. New Yorkers often assume I am hospitable, for one, when in actuality I’d say I’m about as hospitable as your average angry circus elephant. Atlantans think New Yorkers spend a lot of time sitting in on criminal autopsies, when it turns out — at least according to my recent visit — that autopsies are nowhere near the top on their list of priorities. So with this in mind, I went to New York to address nine other common preconceptions that Southerners carry about New York, followed by my exhaustive (or at least well-masticated) research on each.

1. NEW YORKERS DON’T SLEEP. False. They do sleep, they just don’t do it at night or in a bed. They do it during the day and on the subway. And to further test this preconception, I kept my blinds open and attempted to stare at the cityscape all night to see if the lights would go out. It helps that I had a corner suite at The Setai Fifth Avenue with a view of the Chrysler Building (now that’s hospitality). The lights, by the way, did not go out that I saw. Though in all fairness, my vigilance only lasted until midnight. Unlike New Yorkers, I sleep at night like a walrus on a rock.  

2. THE SUBWAY IS DANGEROUS. False. It’s full of sleeping people. Seriously. You are less likely to get assaulted on a New York City subway than you are if you showed up at my door unexpectedly.    

3. THE PEOPLE ARE PUSHY AND RUDE. True and False. Pushy? Yes. New Yorkers all know exactly where they’re going, and they get there by walking super fast on account of how the only people who drive in the city are out-of-towners and taxi drivers. Southerners, on the other hand, like to meander and gaze at things. So if you put one in front of the other in the wrong order, some pushiness is bound to erupt. For example, when I visited Chelsea Market, a wonderland of restaurants, bakeries and shops built on the site of an abandoned biscuit factory, I had to literally stop to examine all the lovingly preserved architectural details because the rushing crowd around me seemed better able to handle an immobile object than a slow-moving one. At one point, just as an experiment, I allowed the crowd to push me around to see where I would end up, which was in line at the famous Lobster Place with live crabs in my hand. I had to put them back, though, when I realized they probably don’t allow pets at The Setai.

Rude? No. Not even the pushy people were rude. They were just really focused. In fact, without fail, every time I brandished the city map the hotel concierge gave me — the one he warned me not to leave the hotel without — a New Yorker would stop and offer directions. It was almost like the map was a magic talisman, able to stop a rushing local with a single wave. “Where do you need to go?” they’d ask. I’d tell them, they’d direct me, I’d still get lost. Then I’d wave the map again and start over. If not for these New Yorkers, I’d probably still be in Manhattan right now, wandering, allowing myself to be pushed into places. It’s a fun way to discover the city, but at some point you have to head back to your hotel to commence staring at the cityscape all night.

 4. MODELS AND MOVIE STARS ARE EVERYWHERE. True. And by that I don’t mean that all New Yorkers are models and/or movie stars, I just mean you can’t throw a stick down Madison Avenue, for one, without that stick being compared to the figures of five models within stickthrowing distance. It also helps that Robert De Niro owns a restaurant in Tribeca called Locanda Verde. I had dinner there one night, and, I kid you not, Tom Hanks, Matthew Modine and Paul Rudd were all at the tables next to me. They were there, just eating like real people, as though they have any business being flesh-and-blood at all. I almost imploded trying to decide which one to stick to like a lovesick squid. So yes, models and movie stars are everywhere. I am absolutely, without a doubt, 100% hardly exaggerating about that at all.  

5. THE POLICE ARE MEAN. False. One afternoon I discovered a man laying prone on the sidewalk on 43rd Street and, having thought I’d finally come across a corpse, I alerted the police. My mistake. The police simply helped the man to his feet and tried to send him on his way. He did not appreciate being roused, though, so he followed the officers down the street, hollering expletives at them. The officers simply weathered the offenses jovially and waved him off. In Atlanta, I think people have gotten the electric chair for less.  

6. THE TAXI DRIVERS DON’T SPEAK ENGLISH. False. According to one of my Manhattan drivers, who is from Seattle, a whopping 8% of NYC taxi drivers still hail from the US, but 100% of them drive (in my experience) like they’re trying to outrun a flash flood. “It’s self preservation,” I was told. “You can’t drive normal [sic] if everyone else is driving crazy.” Another of my cabbies propped his iPhone on the dashboard and watched streaming video while driving me to the Gansevoort Hotel in the Meatpacking District. I tried to take a picture of this with my own iPhone, but he was driving so aggressively that all I got was a jumble of bright streaks from the lights in Midtown. But never fear, these days the back seats of official NYC taxi cabs are equipped with small interactive video monitors to give you something to look at other than your life passing before your eyes.  

7.  NEW YORK AUDIENCES ARE TOUGH CROWDS. True. Personally, I hold old-school NYC comedy clubs like Carolines on Broadway in a special place of awe and reverence for their history of providing newcomers the chance to toughen up and hone their craft in front of a bunch of hardened locals. But lately, neighboring comedy clubs have cropped up like mushrooms in a meadow, providing nonstop live standup every night, often with so many sets in an hour it feels like the comic equivalent to speed dating. I went to Ha! Comedy Club NYC in Times Square, which is a club made famous by an episode in Sex and the City — or so the charismatic carnival barker behind the podium out front informed me. (In fact, there seemed to be a lot of places I’d never heard of that claim to have been made famous by Sex and the City.) I caught the second show of the night, which had a blur of comedians performing 10-minute gigs, and half the members in the audience were there because they’d been allowed to carry over from the first show, which had been ruined, evidently, by an incessant heckler. Now that right there is evidence of a tough crowd to me, when the club essentially offers a do-over not to appease the audience for bad comedians, but more to appease the comedians for a bad audience.

8.  BROADWAY SHOWS ARE AWESOME. True. I’ve now seen both Billy Elliot the movie and Billy Elliot the Broadway show and, believe me, the Broadway show is better. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll clutch at your heart as it bursts with love and wonder at the talented cast, and you’ll leave a complete live-theater convert. Period.

9. RESTAURANTS ARE EXPENSIVE. Depends on who you are. Me? My father was a traveling trailer salesman and my mother was a missile scientist. I’m at home with nearly any level of hoity-toityness (though the espresso machine in my suite did illicit some unseemly shrieks of excitement). But still the menu at Colicchio & Sons in the Meatpacking District intimidated me because the menu did not show prices for the entrées, at least not on the afternoon I visited.

I’m sure a New Yorker would have just flat-out asked the waiter, but I stayed true to my passive Southern self and avoided confrontation by texting a friend in Atlanta to look up the lunch menu on the restaurant’s website, which, oddly, does include the prices. And yeah, it was expensive. The cost was close to what people probably pay for fresh human organs on the black market. On the other hand, Locanda Verde was surprisingly reasonably priced, and I’m pretty sure the food was fabulous — but in truth I was too busy being surrounded by movie stars to pay attention to my taste buds. I also had breakfast at Ai Fiori at The Setai, the tab for which was staggering, but it was lobster benedict. I would gladly forgo my electric bill for lobster benedict every once in a while.

I also made sure to wander into other, cheaper eateries typical of NYC, such as the Moonstruck Diner on Madison Avenue. I immediately forgave its touristy name (after the famous movie that starred Cher and Nicolas Cage before his long mission to make us forget he could actually act), when the waiter brought me an entire bottle of homemade blue-cheese dressing to go with my salad. I could soak my head in a bucket of blue cheese if given the chance, as this diner practically did. A restaurant in Little Italy was less impressive in terms of flavor, but at least I got to hear a bunch of Italians arguing loudly, and that was almost worth the price of penne that tasted store-bought.

Later, I had to brandish my map 11 times in order to traverse the 20 or so blocks to my hotel. It took me half the night to make it back, mainly because I discovered I really like being lost in Manhattan. I especially enjoy letting the people push me around.

THE SETAI FIFTH AVENUE 400 Fifth Ave 212-695-4005 www.setaififthavenue.com

THE LOBSTER PLACE 75 Ninth Ave 212-255-5672 www.lobsterplace.com

LOCANDA VERDE 377 Greenwich St 212-925-3797 www.locandaverdenyc.com

GANSEVOORT MEATPACKING NYC HOTEL 18 Ninth Ave 212-206-6700 www.hotelgansevoort.com

CAROLINES ON BROADWAY 1626 Broadway 212-757-4100 www.carolines.com

HA! COMEDY CLUB NYC 163 W 46th St 212-977-3884 www.hanyc.com

BILLY ELLIOT At Imperial Theatre 249 W 45th St 212-239-6200 www.billyelliotbroadway.com

COLICCHIO & SONS 85 10th Ave 212-400-6699 www.colicchioandsons.com

AI FIORI 400 Fifth Ave 212-613-8660 www.aifiorinyc.com

MOONSTRUCK DINER 244 Madison Ave; 212867-2545 www.moonstruckmidtown.com

Reader Comments

  • I have found that eating in NYC isn't all that $$, but then I am happy to eat like a 5 yr old child. Toss me a bagel and I'm good (Posted on 10 May 2011)
  • Hollis Gillespie is the jewel of the South.... (Posted on 10 May 2011)
  • Hollis your observations are hilarious! (Posted on 10 May 2011)
  • New York sounds precious if one has the means. (Posted on 10 May 2011)
  • Hollis, loved it! You make me want to hop a plane and go North!!! I think it's really true that people pretty much turn out to be the way you expect them to be. Me? I've never met a rude Parisian, but then again, I LOVE PARIS, and expect it to all fabulous French-ness. Thanks for reminding us to stop, look and really listen, wherever we are. (Posted on 10 May 2011)
  • G-Pie, you have now set the agenda for my own trip to NYC and this article is so full of quotable bon-mots that I might break my Facebook status update. :) (Posted on 10 May 2011)
  • Reading this was the best thing that's happened to me all week! Loved it! (Posted on 10 May 2011)
  • Love reading anything Hollis writes. Now I have to schedule a trip to NYC! (Posted on 10 May 2011)
  • First, while we don't endorse "Deliverance," we are not unpleased by the deterrent effect it has on the casual Northern traveler. Second, we loves us some Hollis Gillespie down here in Atlanta! Y'all come (especially if you got purty lips)! (Posted on 10 May 2011)
  • I actually rented Deliverance and bought a Skynyrd album a few years back when I found out that I was moving to Atlanta. Didn't want to show up without having done any research. (Posted on 10 May 2011)
  • I've always wondered why people thought New Yorkers were mean. Every time I've been everyone was nice, didn't mind helping me and mi amigas with directions. Great article, Hollis!! (Posted on 10 May 2011)
  • I moved from Atlanta to New York five years ago, with many of the same fears and (wrong) ideas you held before your visit. To my mind, you've nailed it about both places. AND you never once said "The Big Apple", which, believe me, NOBODY here would EVER say. Brava. (Posted on 10 May 2011)
  • Wonderful article. Hollis rocks! (Posted on 10 May 2011)
  • Please, take me with you on your next trip! After reading that article I am fired up. Have you been to the street antique/flea markets? Boots (Posted on 10 May 2011)
  • Oh, I'm posting this on the Funny not Slutty FB wall tomorrow...the New Yorkers will LOVE it! (Posted on 10 May 2011)
  • Once again you have delighted me with your observations. The first time that I went to New York I was a little hesitant about exploring the city on my own. I quickly discovered the same things that you did and fell in love with the place. Thanks for bringing back those memories! (Posted on 10 May 2011)
  • Your perspective gave me great laughs. You have a wicked mind and a supple, adroit writing style. Thanks for a great read! (Posted on 10 May 2011)
  • My daughter, who grew up in Atlanta, is a student at NYU who now considers herself a New Yorker. Every couple of days, I get a text telling me which famous person she spotted. On this point, Hollis is spot on. (Posted on 10 May 2011)
  • This made me miss new York and its all so true (Posted on 10 May 2011)
  • Southerners love New York, plain and simple. Of course, if you stay in Manhattan, the people are usually nice because they're from everywhere else. I doubt most visitors go to the outer boroughs. (Posted on 11 May 2011)
  • Why Miss Hollis! Your fine article might just get my Southern inbred bango playing ass off this front porch and visit NEW YORK CITY!! Since we don't have electricity in these parts, I might just spend my moon shinin' money for one of them there lobster benedicts! (Posted on 11 May 2011)
  • Gollee, New York City! Only a Southerner could explain it so well. (Posted on 11 May 2011)
  • Hysterical and useful. How does Hollis manage that? (Posted on 11 May 2011)
  • you could scribble on a post-it note and I'd love it -- very funny article....thanks for sharing! (Posted on 12 May 2011)
  • Thanks, Hollis, for all the ideas for my next trip. Always enjoy your articles;} (Posted on 12 May 2011)

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